Summer church picnics are gearing up and as the Wiedmar family gears up for Ascension weekend in the spot light I thought it may be appropriate to discuss the "Dos and Donts" when getting down at your favorite parish.
DO...
everything it takes to win the cake walk early in the night, the later it gets the worse the selection and before you know it you will be stuck with the fig newtons that someone dumped on a plate. Dibs on the Funfetti Cupcakes.
Don't...
eat dinner before you get to the picnic. Times are tough for these churches and they need to sling some grub to pay the bills. Go see Frank Wiedmar behind the counter tonight, he will fry you up something real nice.
Do...
tip the church if you are hitting it big at the blackjack table. If your conscience hasnt kicked in yet just realize that every time you are a winner winner chicken dinner you are taking money straight out of the churches pocket. If you hit it big take enough out to cover your beer and food then throw the rest back into the pot.
Don't...
invite your public school friends. Last time we went to the Ascension picnic some of our public schools friends nearly forced Chris' Alma Mater to lock its doors for good. Ben Chessler walked away with about 7 grand after learning how count cards and Beau Beckman was stealing corn dogs.
Do...
avoid the games that offer produce as a prize. I mean really, the last thing I want after the big wheel finally lands on my number are sack full of cantaloupes.
Don't...
look directly into the eyes of any high school. If you between the ages of 14-16 and at a church picnic chances are you are about to brawl. They dont really care who its with, back in '01 I witnessed a 15 year old birdman work over a grown man in front of his 3 kids. Brutal.
Have a good weekend
I don't care if you write this piece of $hit blog, but you are not allowed to be funnier than me. That's your 1st warning.
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